Okay then

Our phoneline got, as we used to say at my old job, "pucked" in a hailstorm a couple of weeks ago, and I'm finally back online.

I'm not feeling at all like myself. I don't feel like I've bonded with H (even though he's darn cute), and I don't feel like I'm half the mother I was to N before I got pregnant. :::sigh::: I feel so damn detached from my precious children. It hurts to be this numb.

I had a dream the other night about what could possibly happen if I ran into people involved in The Playgroup Incident, and it brought the whole thing, and all feelings involved, rushing back. I need to just get over it. I've come to the conclusion that I just don't have the tools to get over this on my own. I need help. I've gone through the phone book and marked some counseling centers that look good. My dad's a psychologist, so if I can grab him for a few minutes tomorrow, I'll try to get a recommendation from him. I told B tonight that I'm giving God until Wednesday to fix this feeling or off I go to the counseling center. I hate to put the Almighty on a time line, but something has got to be done. I am terrified of this getting worse. The Husband had the balls to suggest that maybe I'm subconsciously feeling this way because "a lot of the people you talk to online seem to have gone through something like that." Um, oooooookay. In my two closest loops, I can think of a total of um....2, maybe 3 people off the top of my head that dealt with PPD. We haven't talked extensively about it, and I sure as hell am not enjoying feeling this way. In fact, I feel heartbroken that I no longer feel head over heels in love with N, and that I have a really hard time feeling attached to H at all. That's why the kid stays with me all of the time. I'm afraid if I let him go, I'll like being kid-free and without him too much. :( This sucks. This absolutely sucks. I want to be all mushy over my babies again. I hope it happens soon.