More introspection

Before the battery on the Lappy dies. Anyway, I think I'm understanding myself more. The CPS incident (see the entries from November and December of 04) hurt me so much because I am an extrovert. I'm a very extroverted extrovert, too. Simply put, I need people to be okay. I need people around me, sharing my joy and my triumphs. I need people to understand me and just let me know I'm normal (at least, the more I learn, the more I think I am). We will probably never know who made the call. That part is really difficult for me. I don't know who (among those I knew at the time) I can trust. To an extrovert, not being able to trust is to choke the life out of a relationship. To have that necessary for emotional okay-ness thing taken from you is devastating.

I have also noticed that I take nearly any blanket statement made and try to apply it to myself. I try so hard that I've often taken statements that don't apply to me at all and made them about me. This, I think, is the root cause of my anxiety. I doubt I'm okay, because I hear I'm not. It even calls into question my salvation. There are so many different ways of looking at it and how one is supposed to go about obtaining and hanging onto it, that I've convinced myself I didn't really get it done right in the first place. Emotional truth: I haven't done exactly the right thing to be saved. Reality: I've prayed the sinner's prayer. God is real and is in my life and I do what I can, tentatively on my part. I'm so nervous sometimes. I don't know God well. In some ways, it feels presumptuous to even try. I'm scared of Him. Scared he's going to squash me like a bug or sacrifice me like a pawn in a chess game. Every time I think about any of the negative earthly consequences of following Him, I get so focused on the negative consequences, that I get very afraid of them. My flesh (and often my spirit, too) doesn't want any pain or bad things to happen. There's no guarantee that they will, but my negative side refuses to believe that. I've somehow made myself think that because I feel that way, I'm somehow less saved than someone who's all in. I am all in. In my head, I'm all in. It's my emotions that won't shut up long enough to let me know it. It's like there's a buzzing in my head and a lens focused on exactly what I'm afraid of. I'd type more of it out, and even all of it out, but it would trigger a massive panic attack, and I just can't handle it right now.

At this moment, the only thing I can focus on (besides sending this to my dad, which I will do), is the here and now, for me and my family. I can't concentrate on other places, because it's too much for me to think about and me to worry about. The Lord will take care of it--it's all His anyway....

So for now, I'll finish reading my email, then snuggle my sweet baby boy (who put himself to sleep tonight) then I'll sleep and go talk to my dad in the morning. Baby steps.