Oh good

N's not scared off. He nursed about a billion times today. I'm okay with that. I did end up having him fall asleep in his high chair again. This might be his way of starting to put himself to sleep for the night. That's fine. If he does it this way, then I won't have to do it for him later. :) K&Ad came down today. K and I were in the youth group together years ago (he was a senior, I was a freshman), and there was some ambivalent crushing, and some I like you but maybe I don't, and a whole heap of highschool-ness, but we got out of it with a close friendship, and when he met Ad, and B and I were dating, we all started hanging out together. They're one of our few close couple friends. They actually got married the week after us. Anyway, they came down today, and we were discussing baby stuff--they're TTC, and it turns out that we have unintentionally jacked their girl's name. Ugh. I hate it when that happens. They'd be spelling it Eleanor, but it's still the same name. This just can't be easy, can it.

B had a crappy day at work, and felt the need to come home and bitch at me because K&Ad came over unexpectedly and we took N (who was going stir-crazy) to the mall instead of me cleaning up the whole house like B would ideally like. Seriously, the man needs to come up with some other way that I can show love for him. I sometimes think he randomly asks me to do things just to see if I'll do them and thus prove I love him. Frankly, it's a bit parental, and I don't like it. I'm pregnant (13 weeks today--yay!), tired, and I have zero motivation for keeping the house clean. Maybe if he were nicer about it I could manage to get some of it done. Honestly, there are times I feel like nothing I do (unless it's scrubbing the entire house top to bottom) is ever going to be good enough. Forget bearing the man's child. The whole house must be clean. It's really not even about the clean house. He knows there's something more, I know there's something more, and it's the elephant in the middle of the room. Except that it's not an elephant, and we really have no idea what the actual issue really is-we just know it's there, and it makes things tough. Things would be much easier if he'd actually consider going to counselling with me. But he doesn't feel that a stranger would be able to help us. @@ Dumbunny. That's exactly what we need right now-some outside perspective. Someone who doesn't have a personal interest in either one of us. Anyway, since he's so crabby and nagging and picky about housework, I really don't do much of it simply because the stuff I do take care of is not done the way *he* likes it. Unfortunately, if I do any housework, that leaves me feeling like I've rewarded his nagging and bitching, and I hate that. Sure, doing a load of dishes earns a break from the nag-and-bitch special, but the first time I even remotely slip up (like leaving a dish in the computer room), it's back to nag and bitch all over again. It's not like I never do any housework at all, it's just that I'm busy cleaning up after Captain Destructo most of the time, and simply don't have time to get to the dishes. It's worse now that he's worried about finding a new job after the school year ends. I'm perfectly happy to support him in his finding of himself, but not at the expense of my own mental health. Emotionally this pregnancy is harder than the previous one. I have very little patience, and it feels like B doesn't think he has to help out with N when he gets home since he's been working all day and N's my 'job' (he has no fucking idea), and that's creating a lot of resentment on my end. Bottom line: I'm in a place where I really need his support, and I don't feel like I'm getting it. I feel like the only thing I'm getting out of him is a list of my shortcomings. N bit me while nursing this evening, so I put him down. He got mad at me and went into the bedroom where B was getting ready to go to sleep. I ended up going in to retrieve him from playing on my side of the bed (B doesn't like him playing there for some reason @@-it's childproof-he's fine-let him be), and B carped at me for letting him go in there (Um-he didn't want to be with me-why else would he hunt you down?), and said, "Well maybe you should watch him a little better." There's nothing that frosts my cookies more than that statement. Ugh.