Apparently, I'm venting.

I haven't said anything about The Nookylessness for the last few months. It would make the situation worse to bring it up and remind TheHusband of his inadequacy (in any department). The only thing I've done since Rooster was born was buy a box of condoms, and mentioned that I'd like to get back into the swing of things sometime soon. Then he got sick, and I haven't made a peep since. Until tonight.

I was baking blondies (I bake when stressed. Needless to say, the house has been CookieLand the last few weeks) and my batter cooled too much to get the eggs in and it failed miserably (wasting 2 cups of sugar in the process--grrr). It was too much for me to handle. I haven't melted down at all since TheHusband got sick, and this was all of that, plus all of my stress about finances (somewhat relieved now) and about the neighbors calling the police on the Honda (long story) instead of coming to our door and saying they had a problem with its location (we could have explained the situation then--we have to wait for payday to move it) resulting in an impound notice. I'd gone a month and a half without a good cry and I needed it.

Physical touch is a very important component of my relationships. I'm a hugger, I like to be touched by those I care about. It's especially important that my husband hug me, kiss me, touch my elbow when he walks by, etc. I got 3 kisses (pecks) today. One when he left for work this morning, one when he got home, and one when he went to bed. This is becoming normal, and I hate it.

Anyway, TheHusband sees me crying over the failed blondie batter, which is between him and the basement stairs (and our kitchen is narrow), and he sighs, walks AROUND me, and goes down to transfer the laundry. #)(*#%Q&%!!!

So I yelled and let him have it. I told him that I was making a tremendous amount of effort in the housework department because I love him and I know it's important to him. I don't care how tired he is, I don't care how little he feels like it, I need some attention. I hate housework with a passion. I'd do many things before doing dishes, given a choice. I hate how the laundry is in the basement. I hate it, hate it, hate it. And yet, I do it for him. I know it's important to him, and I know that it's part of my job as a homemaker. He knows how important physical affection is to me, and he's not even making an effort. I couldn't express to him just how much it hurts. He then tried to walk through every single possible reason he could have for not having interest (fortunately, nothing about my physical appearance is causing this @@), and excused himself from other forms of physical connection by saying my hugs felt 'needy.' Damn right they're needy. I cuddle, kiss and soothe two children all day, and most of the night (Eeny's cold threw a wrench into his sleep habits—hellooo parental bed). I give these children the tons of physical attention they need. I need the supply replenished every once in a while. Needy. Phhsshh. @@

The whole stupid thing ended basically with him saying he understands where I'm coming from and he thinks things will change in a few months, but that for now, I'd just have to deal with going without. I can deal with going without. I've done it for 10 months, I can go a little longer if I have to. What I want, and what I didn't get, is for him to at least make an effort. It feels like he's not even going to try until he 'feels like it.' Thanks, honey. That's really helpful. That's exactly the kind of attitude that makes a marriage work and function. :::sigh:::

ARGH!

Well, I feel better for having gotten that out. My parents asked to keep Eeny tonight, so we have a night of toddler-free sleep and I need to go take advantage of it.